I really don't know how to start this article but I will just get right into it. This article will be about my thought process from the beginning to the point where I am at right now and I will start from the beginning. 

The time when you are sure you are not ready...

I have not been a huge believer of using long-term contraceptives when I still want to have kids but after having my first, I was too sure I wasn't going to have another one, like who will willingly want to go through that again? Sometimes I get the "Yimu" from people who have been in motherhood long enough and they assure me that I would change my mind but nah! I wasn't going to thankfully, my husband was with me on this but to still go get the long-term contraceptive? I didn't. Don't think this is a story of how I got pregnant without knowing, it isn't. 

The desire...

I think it was at the 2 years mark that I started having the desire for another child, it wasn't strong enough but strong enough to for hubby and I to actively stop trying not to get pregnant BUT my voice will still be the loudest "No" if anyone asks "are you ready for another child?" but I was hoping I can just "fall pregnant" without actively trying so I didn't have to overthink it. I'm sure God was having a good laugh at me. The desire began to grow as my son grew older and I saw the need for him to have a companion and beyond that as well, I just wanted us to grow as a family. The more I thought about it, the more I weighed the pros and cons of having a child at that very season of my life, I thought of all the things I would go through pregnancy and raising a toddler so I would push the thought all to the back burner. I still won't admit it to anyone (except hubby of course) that I desired to have another child because for some reason I felt ashamed.  

 The guilt... 

The guilt for having the desire to have another child will wash over me and more so even after a year of not actively trying and I didn't "fall pregnant" I would say to myself 

"You already have one, be thankful" 

"There are people that don't even have one, how are they supposed to feel" 

"Have you even been trying long enough?" 

"What if something went wrong during the last surgery" 

"Is it because of my diet"?

"There are people who are also TTC baby no 2 for years fall in line dear"

I felt like I didn't deserve to even have the desire to have another child and I don't even know where that came from, I kept all of these to myself and my husband didn't know I was kinda putting myself under the pressure because he was unbothered about it and it made me so furious and I still didn't say anything, again. Guilt. shame. I also didn't want "pity" statements so I kept it to myself. 

Insensitive comments... 

There are questions of concern and there are insensitive comments, one is welcome, one isn't. I am sure you can guess. 

All the "When will you have no 2?" questions from a sincere place from friends and family was really fine by me, they are just curious and I mean they should be, right? 

the ones that didn't sit well with me though;

"With what you are doing, you should have more than one child to validate your work" 

I have gotten comments like this in different forms, so, I really need to bring another child into this world because you think for me to be a mum/homeschooling blogger I have to have more than one child for what I am doing to have validation? Sigh! 

I almost for this singular comment didn't even want to have another child just to prove a point but at the end of the day, I am not living my life for anyone else so I take all the comments like a big girl and throw them in the trash where they belong. 

Finally admitting to myself...

About 6 months ago, I finally admitted out loud to myself and to my sisters this desire. It took me over a year for me to tell myself that it was okay to actually want another child. Children are a gift and if that is my only reason then that is fine. I then realised that it's because it's not happening on my clock is why I even have the time to think such nonsense and feel guilty about what I should be happy and excited about. I know a lot of people don't overthink this but I did and still do. I have gone through extremes of thought before I found myself in this place. 

Why am I sharing...

There is really not a lot said about TTC the second or 3rd time around and I can imagine why, you probably still have a lot on your plate with the other child(ren) you have there is really not much time to mop around and feel sorry for yourself much less take it to the public space, but if by me sharing this helps another person going through this to feel "seen" and know that they are not crazy for thinking the way they think then so be it. I am still extremely shy about it and I know that I will probably get the "pity" that I really do NOT want but Imma take it like G. Please don't be offended if I only respond with an emoji. 

I really wish a lot of people would be more vocal about the desire, the struggle and the hope they have. 

I've tried to get help...

I don't want to raise an alarm if there is no need for one, this article is majorly just about my thought process to TTC for no 2, not exactly all the things we have been doing, so, it's been roughly about 2 years of a mixture of not actively trying and actively trying but about a month ago, I decided to be open enough to give something a try to see if it will help but hey! Waiting is the name of the game. Lol. 

I have tried not to be sad about it (I might have cried a few times when I see my period but I shake it off quick) and just try to live my life also not pretending that oh sunshine and roses, nah! Just trying to trust God through the process and enjoy what is in front of me (while doing what I need to do) instead of chasing what can be. joo get? I know above all else God is with me through everything and I will continue to have joy in him regardless, so I am not sad/depressed about it. 

I think it goes without saying... 

No matter how close you are to a person, I think it's important for us to be sensitive with our words, how about asking questions from a genuine place rather than make statements without considering the person's emotions? 

So, yeah! That's the end of the article!