When I became a mum, the first few days or weeks were not exciting at all, it was the combination of just having major surgery, the shock of being a new mum, sleeplessness, tension between my husband and I and my mother-in-law helping me and at the same time making me sad.
The culture of omugwu is a thing that for it to be effective, it has to be done properly but I digress. I would say this before I continue, in hindsight, I know my MIL didn’t mean any harm or just wanted to make me sad, it all just came down to misunderstanding and doing the wrong things from a good place (if that makes sense).

Right from when I got out of the theatre till she left I was so unhappy. Different things she said, did or insinuated by her words hurt me deeply and at some point, it escalated that my own mum had to come, talk to me and then I apologised to her which sank me further the hole of the feeling of depression. I didn’t have anyone to talk to, I felt so alone and none of my friends at the time was checking on me. It was a really really lonely road and the fact that it felt that no one was hearing me or taking my feelings into consideration was another blow.
I just lived through each day and reminded myself that the time will be over soon. I appreciate my MIL for everything she did, I mean she was so helpful, cooking for me and taking care of the baby but I was suffering mentally.

So, I found an outlet. This blog.

It started with me sharing posts on my personal Instagram page at the time but since what I talked about there wasn’t related to motherhood I decided to open another page and blog. It was a huge breath of fresh air as I saw that all the things I felt and couldn’t accurately express were not peculiar to me and most mothers at different times have felt the same way. While I felt a relief, I still wasn’t doing okay mentally but I was better.


When my son was about 4 months+ we moved houses and looking back that contributed to how I felt, there were so many things I didn’t like about the move and the house we moved to compared to our old house and that was another trigger. I was so exhausted because I didn’t have help at the time (just got one before the move) and my routine included taking care of a baby, working my part-time job, working on my youtube channel, reading for school work. It was A LOT! Somehow, I made it work but my priority was getting help and I did and did and did and did. In the last 3 years, I can’t even tell you the number of domestic help I have had, in the space of a few months I had like 5 at one time. It’s ridiculous, but today is not about domestic help.


When we moved, I was on the verge and hanging to a thin thread of sanity. You see I have slipped into depression in the past and I know how dark it can get because I had suicidal thoughts and I didn’t ever want to get back there so I will scrape whatever it is to help me barely not go down the dark hole. Once I notice I am slipping, I will take a day off my schedule and just be but still not addressing the issues, so I will feel better enough to continue on my quest of life till I notice I am slipping and the cycle goes on and on.


When we moved, I left my part-time job because I knew if I continued the job it was only a matter of time before I lose my mind, to say I was struggling mentally is putting it mildly, so, I am suddenly not having any income to myself, losing my self-esteem and lost my identity then I started hanging out with Dr Anne and I know on many occasions I must have cried as she was talking or I was talking to her or after I got back home because she had been exactly where I was and I felt a lot better knowing that she SAW me!


It was the beginning of me getting back to myself, it’s been almost 2 years now (if not more) and it’s still been a yo-yo journey, simple things still trigger my and push me to the edge but I am beginning to own my journey and do things that will benefit my mental health.
The recent happenings all over the world have been a huge trigger for me, the pandemic, the police brutality, rape, racism, spiritual abuse and other personal stuff has pushed me to the edge and while I am still trying to find a balance, I am reminded that it’s okay for me to recognise this as a trigger and be okay with myself to take a step back.

Your mental health as a woman when you become a mum is so different than when you didn’t have kids. When you don’t have kids, you can be in your funk for as long as you want and there might or might not be any extra pressure to deal with things. When you become a mum, asides the things you are dealing with as a person, there is the extra pressure to show up for your child(ren) in ways you might not even have the capacity to in that given moment.
Here is what I have been doing over the 3 years of fighting for stable mental health (in no particular order),

1. Knowing that I won’t win all the battles all the time: The journey to stable mental health is not a sprint. There are days you will win the battle and other days, the battle will win you. On those days sit in your feels and ride the wave, just don’t fall off the cliff. 
2. Taking it one day at a time but also one feeling at a time: As much as I take everything one day at a time, there is also the place of taking one feeling at a time. It takes you identifying and labelling what you feel per time and dealing with them one at a time. Like I said above, it’s not a sprint. Deal with each feeling instead of being overwhelmed by the weight of all your feeling all at once. 
3. Unplug: This one has been a huge lifesaver. I’m grateful that I have my mum in the same city and I can ask for a few days when things are going haywire on my end and I need time to unplug. Unplug for all the “roles” you occupy as much as you can afford. Only the healthy can make money, only the healthy can take care of children. Give yourself permission to not follow the newest trend or skip social media for a few days.
4. Get (professional) help: Let’s face it, therapy can be is expensive. While you may be able to afford your first 2 sessions, the real help comes in your consistency and the therapist getting to know you more and we can both agree that won’t happen in one one-hour session. Therapy is something I am looking forward to being able to afford but in the meantime, if you have a trusted friend, talk to them - they may not be able to give you professional advice but they weight of carrying the burden alone can be lifted. If you can afford therapy please do. There is no shame in seeking the help that will help you be a better person and deal with everything you are going through. I know about this because I have few friends and family who have gone through therapy and I see how much it helps them. 
5. Having a sense of purpose: Looking at my life and having a sense of purpose from my walk with God helps me deal with the feeling of despair, worry and hopelessness. I get fuel from that and see a reason to not sink further into the hole and to be honest sometimes you just won’t care but I found also that saying a prayer and being honest with my feelings through journaling “Dear God” letters have helped put things into perspective, get clarity and sometimes just vent everything out. 
6. Do something that is YOU centred: I’ve read in so many places that exercise is good, it gives you the feel-good hormones and all but it is hardddddddd but recently I needed to do something for me and I chose to exercise and while it is very hard, I do it anyway because it is for me! It is something I am doing for me to be better because I know if I can achieve a flatter belly than I currently have, I will feel better about myself. So, find something that will make you feel better about yourself at the end of the day and do it. The process might will be hard but you’d be doing it for the joy that is set before you. 
7. Focus on short term mental goals: Instead of focusing on “I want to be happy” find short term goals that will bring you to that place that will take you to the place you need to be. Don’t compare your journey with anyone else’s and focus on you. 

While I am still struggling to stay balanced and focused mentally, I keep doing all these things to help me stay sane through it all and gradually I am getting myself back together and I hope if this is something you are struggling with you can get help and start your journey to a better mental state. 

If you are like me, until you have your first child you won't have a reason to live with your Mother in-law
for an extended period. Just like every relationship that is budding, you will have to get to know one
another, and this time emotions are high because of the new baby and disagreements can happen and if
not properly managed it might ruin the relationship and we don't want that.

I disagreed with my Mother in-Law on a couple of things during her visit, and at the time it was not
managed properly. I am grateful for wisdom to just apologise to her even if I felt there was no need to but
it could have potentially ruined our relationship if I didn't swallow my pride. We don't hate each other, we
just didn't agree on methods of taking care of the child.

I decided to write this article because I know many more people will or are going through such and I am
hoping that it will help new mothers who are having issues with their mother in laws or mothers
when they come for Omugwo and to better handle situations when they arise;

they want to do the best for the baby. They have the experience handing down to their mothers and

they feel “We raised you all and nothing happened to you” It is accepted that some of their methods

might be archaic and with the advent of technology we are now enlightened.

So, just understand with them and know that they ultimately want whats best for you and the baby.

I have been a mum for 10 months now and I have heard A LOT of things - some of which I can't even remember. People - who mean well - will come at you with different suggestions, myths, advice. Some will shove it down your throat and expect you to take it as the gospel, others might just offer their support and gently nudge you in the direction you should go. One thing is for sure though, you will hear plenty of these things especially in the first few months but when you are without experience there is a tendency to take everything people tell you hook line and sinker most especially since "It is how people have always been doing it" but with every myth, advice we have to be careful to confirm with your Doctor and understand what works for your baby. 

Here are a few myths that is regularly told to new mums; 

• You will spoil your child by carrying him a lot and he would get used to it; When my baby was about a month old and in my opinion just wanted to be held, I got advice saying I should not carry him too much or he would be clingy when he is older and I should let him cry. I told my Dr Anne of @mums24 and she said "Imagine if watching him cry is traumatic for you, how do you think your baby feels" and that changed it for me. A baby will cry when he needs something or is uncomfortable, he/she is not trying to manipulate you when they are that young. Carry your baby, cuddle her as long as she wants, the truth is he will never go back to being that little again and you will start missing that stage. Now, my 10month old son is NOT clingy and I carried him every chance I got when he was little. 

• Umbilical cord must fall off before 7 days: This one is an African thing. There is some sort of pressure for the Umbilical cord to fall off before the naming ceremony which I don't understand. The doctor will typically give you 1-2 weeks for it fall off, so I don't know why we put ourselves under undue pressure. The most important thing is for you to care for it properly and make sure it doesn't get infected. 

• Babies crossing legs will not walk early: My question to you is why do you want your baby to walk early? Don't you just want your baby to walk when it is appropriate. The irony is once your baby starts walking you will then want him to sit in one place. Your baby is just crossing her legs because that is what feels comfortable at the time. My baby crossed his legs and from all indications would walk before he is 1. 

• Baby belching while breastfeeding will make your breast hard: I was breastfeeding my baby once and my MIL was there and as the baby belched she just exclaimed "remove his mouth from your breast" and I was shook then I asked "Why" and she said "Your breast will be hard because of the air your baby blows in the breast" - the conversation happened in yoruba and I couldn't stop laughing. I am sure the women in the olden days didn't understand engorgement which is why they had to find a reason to explain it. My breast has recieved a lot of belch and not one hardness. 

• Strands of wool will stop hiccups; I really don't know why we believe this works. It is absolutely ridiculous to say the least. Lol. I have even heard "It will only work if you believe in it" Do you put wool on your head when you hiccup? Why do you think it will then work because it's happening to a baby? Don't stress yourself. If your baby has hiccups and it's bothering you so much, give him breast milk or formula. 

• Teething causes fever and different ailment: Teething doesn't cause fever or any other ailment. Imaging the tooth coming out, it opens up the gum while it might be uncomfortable or painful for the child that is not what causes the child to have fever. While the teeth is coming out, it's like an open wound and your baby who is crawling or touching different things puts that hand or that dirty toy in her mouth can infect the gum which can cause the child to come down with a fever. Your baby DOES NOT HAVE TO HAVE ANYTHING BECAUSE SHE IS TEETHING. Just make sure you keep the environment extra clean, keep them comfortable and cuddle more in that period. I only notice my child is teething when his sleeping pattern changes, he is a bit more cranky or his appetite for food reduces and BAM I see the teeth emerging and it's back to his regular routine. 

What myth sounds familiar and which myths have you been told? 

As a new Mum one of the things that will help you to have some order in your life and some sanity is a routine. It's bad enough that you don't have anytime for yourself and now your life is dictated by a little human and most especially if you are a stay at home mum, its easy to stay in the bubble and soon enough you start feeling bitter and possibly depressed because of this.

Why is a routine important?

Different people have various opinions about why a routine is important but I think it all boils down to sanity. When you become a mother so many things are calling for your attention and you have to find a way to balance the need of your baby, with your husband, older kids, work and every other thing. Having a routine with your baby - which will translate to when they are older - can bring a level of order into the chaos that is motherhood and babyhood.

Routine creating styles

Parent-led routines: This is where the parent decides what and when of the babys day. It is sort of very strict as you define what will happen through out the day. I think this might work for older children and not realistic for babies.

Child-led routines: This is you form a routine around what your child decides to do based on the signs given to you. This doesn't mean your day will be unpredictable because over time, you will notice the pattern and know what to expect when. For babies this is more realistic.

A combination of both: This is a flexible combination of both the parent-led and baby-led styles. You will be willing to adjust based on what signs your baby gives you per-day under the basic structure Feed, Sleep, Play. This I have found to be the most realistic and recommended for babies between 5-12 months old.

How can you get a non-routined baby into a routine? Glad you asked.

- Track EVERYTHING: When I had my baby, I drew a table in my journal. Tracked his feeding time, when he woke up, when he pooped, how many wet diapers a day he had till I found an app "Feed Baby" . I did the tracking for the first few months and it really helped me understand his pattern. I knew exactly what to expect and when.

- Create one that works for you & Baby: In the initial 3 months, based on the data I had, I knew what to expect and I could schedule myself based on that. Also, don't rely totally on the data. Observe your baby as well. I noticed that Cuddles is so calm and happier right before 3pm and get's really cranky - on most days - after 5 pm based on that knowledge, I can leave him to play on his own before 3 pm and moved up our evening routine to 5pm from 7pm. Observe and adjust.

Consistency is key: Whatever you decide to start based on this data gathered - Be consistent. It won't be a routine if it keeps changing and the idea is to get your baby's body clock adjusted to it. Do the work now so you can have fairly predictable days when your child is older.

NOTHING IS SET IN STONE: Keep in mind the 80-20 rule. Your child will follow the routine 80% of the time and use you to play yo-yo the other 20% - Yes! I totally just made that up but you get the point. There is also the part of them growing up and how you would have to adjust this routine based on their current needs. A newborn baby won't need so much time allotted to play but a crawling baby would. Just be sure to observe as they grow older, rinse and repeat.

Everyday will be different be sure to enjoy it. 

Keep rocking motherhood.